


And When There‘s Nothing Left, I Get To See You Again

by neverendingstories



Series: Derek & Spencer [3]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt!Spencer, Loss, Post-Loss, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:02:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28798074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neverendingstories/pseuds/neverendingstories
Summary: Spencer is going through the loss of his best friend Derek and tries his best to keep himself together.At some point though, he just can’t stand the looks of his other friends anymore.*Or a fic where Spencer feels more than just lonely with his grief.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Series: Derek & Spencer [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2029651
Kudos: 17





	And When There‘s Nothing Left, I Get To See You Again

It was September 5th, 2017.

I would’ve never thought that one year would pass by this fast. It felt like everything around me just passed me by, like I’m watching from the outside of my own life. One year ago, the world somehow stopped spinning its usual way for me.

It lost a kind, funny, loving and caring person, someone who had the biggest heart and the most contagious laugh, without the whole world even noticing it, while he was actually one of the few people making it a better and safer place. But the world just kept spinning. For everyone except me, that is. It changed everything and turned my life completely upside down, pulling me into this rabbit hole I was sure I’m never going to escape from.

I was well aware of the team instantly eyeing me warily as I stepped into the room, like the broken, little doll I am for them. The one they always had to baby, like I’m going to break if they don’t wrap me up in cotton wool.

Though, it did surprise me to some amount. Did they not forget the date after all? Was it all just a wall they built around themselves, ignoring what happened until they couldn’t keep from being confronted with it at some point? None of them talked about the things that happened, leaving me completely to myself with everything going on up in my head.

But then again, they looked at me this way every single day. The wary eyes, the room going dead silent as soon as I step inside.

I took a seat, not looking up at any of them. I was fed up. They had no right to make me feel like my grief over the past fucking year was too much and now, that it’s Derek’s first death anniversary, they act like they have to be extra careful with me, when it’s really just like _every other day._

It’s not like a date made it hurt more, when in reality it hurt every single day. And the more I thought about him, the more I felt myself breaking into a million pieces, with no one being there to help me pick them up and fix it.

The only person who would’ve been able to help me, was never coming back.

I gripped my pen tighter and pressed my eyes closed, the thought being too much to handle while everyone was staring holes into my head. I was getting angry and frustrated, I would feel better with them leaving me alone, at least that was something I was used to and I knew how to handle.

Suddenly, a hand was placed on my shoulder, almost making me lose it.

“You okay there, bud?” Matt asked.

“Yes,” I gave him a smile. _Fake._ “What do we have?” Another smile. _Fake._

All of this felt fake. A façade. The Spencer I thought they want me to be. Happy, genius, dorky.

But even that was too much to ask for. At that point, I would’ve been satisfied with simply feeling _okay_.

 _You should be used to it by now_ , I told myself. A simple sentence, repeated day by day, reminding me that it’ll never get better and that I should just accept it to make it easier for myself. A mantra I had a grip on, something that rips me out of my thoughts when the spiral pulls me in. The stop sign at the end of the road filled with cars full of memories.

But then again, it didn’t take long until the cars at the crossroad passed, until I take a turn and am placed at the beginning of the next road. Driving and driving, until I have to put a stop sign somewhere. And then, repeat. Repeat, like I’m a prisoner in my own mind. An endless loop that was made to function as my personal hell.

A hell that changed the mind full of facts and statistics into ruins. Ruins with pieces that were knowledge once, now replaced with the emotional wreck I became.

Driving and driving.

Until I’m lost.

I hadn’t said a word during the whole briefing, let alone listened to anything they discussed. I just didn’t care enough to do so. I saw myself hopping on the plane without remembering how I got there later. It was a rarity that my attention was in the present, the past being a tempting place to fall into. Sometimes there were good days, just like that I’m somewhat okay. In the blink of an eye, everything comes crushing down again, and I’m back in the scenario of Derek’s death.

I leaned back into the soft seat, Rossi and Luke sitting across from me, no one daring to take the seat at the window beside me. _His_ seat. The seat he sat in when I screamed into his ears through his earphones. The one he sat in every so often, exhausted after a case and just listening to music while dozing off.

An overwhelming feeling overcame me, physically and mentally. My stomach twisted, my heart hurt like it was stabbed by a knife. Rossi stared at me as I pulled my hair, softly hitting my head against the seat and pressed my eyelids down.

Was I losing it? Is this how it’s going to be like for the rest of my life? This feeling inside of me, like there’s nothing left to live for as long as I don’t know if Derek is somewhere now, somewhere where he isn’t completely gone. Where he isn’t as alone as in the moment he died.

And he is okay, _because he just has to!_ Because no cell in my body will ever stop worrying about him and the memories I shared with him will never stop making my heart scream in agony if this uncertainty won’t lift its weight off my shoulders and my lungs.

I wanted to breathe. Fresh and pure air, something that would stop the feeling of _suffocating_.

I felt a heat on my cheek and only then I realized that a tear escaped my eye. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to hold it all in anymore at some point. I just wished that it wasn’t right in front of the other ones watching me.

I felt my stomach churning at the thought that I would see them staring at me as soon as I open my eyes. So I simply _didn’t_.

I lay still, acting like I fell asleep after half an hour passed and didn’t move until someone “woke” me up. Fucking great.

“Where are we?” I mumbled and rubbed my eyes to convince them I slept. I was so childish.

Emily tilted her head in her typical Are-You-Kidding-Me-Right-Now? way and shook her head.

“Nevada.”

I gulped, she sounded kind of mad, her eyes burning inside mine, and I would give everything not to spend a day with pissed-off-Emily. She was definitely aware of the fact that I didn’t pay attention earlier.

“Uh-huh,” was all I said in response.

“Unbelievable,” she mumbled and exited the plane.

“Unbelievable,” I mocked her dramatically when she was out of sight.

 _Should’ve stayed asleep and home this morning_ , I thought and put on my sunglasses after I slowly exited behind her.

*

As soon as I entered the living room and saw the crime scene, I turned around and ran out of the house. I leaned over the bush of roses no one could take care off after these people died, and before I could get myself together my breakfast made its way back out. I felt dizzy and a cold sweat broke out on my forehead. It was like I was catapulted back into that night.

JJ stood behind me, watching me worried and with an innocent expression, like she had no idea what has gotten into me.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Like seriously?!”

She winced at my use of words and clearly didn’t expect me to react the way I did. The officers around us watched the scenario with raised eyebrows and confused looks on their faces.

“Can you keep it down a bit? What is wrong?” she carefully asked.

“What is wrong? Did you see the scene? Do you know what day it is? I can’t fucking believe you guys let me walk in there without thinking twice about it!” I didn’t hear my own voice through the ringing in my ears, but I was sure I started yelling. I never wanted to explode and tell them how much it still affected me, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. It was too much.

Pictures began flashing in front of my eyes. September 5th, 2016. The day I had to chase an Unsub alone after he kidnapped Derek. The rest of the team was looking in the opposite direction for any hints, so I was on my own when I found something that lead to a little cabin.

Not thinking twice about my next move, I barged into the room, the lock of the door giving in under my weight after I threw myself against it. What I saw in front of me paralyzed my whole body. Cold sweat broke out, I felt like throwing up if I wouldn’t look away and began shaking heavily. My insides felt like they were turned inside out.

Derek was on the floor, a puddle of blood was getting bigger and bigger around his upper body. His head was-

I pressed my hand on my mouth in order not to puke, but I couldn’t keep standing there anymore, staring at the lifeless body that belonged to my best friend. I broke down, not feeling any pain as my knees crushed on the wooden floor, my head pressed into the palms of my hands. I rather felt the vibration of the sob that escaped my mouth than the sound actually reaching my ears.

I heard a scream, only coming to the conclusion days after that it was me who screamed, and never felt as helpless as in that moment. My brain couldn’t understand and connect the things my eyes saw, it was right in front of me, but I didn’t want to believe that all of that wasn’t just some nightmare I would wake up from every second.

Derek- Derek was dead. I shook my head way too fast. This couldn’t be true. He had to be alive. It just could not be. _This wasn’t happening._

I screamed at myself to wake up from whatever maniac shit was going on in my dreams, but it was true. It was Derek in front of me. It was my best friend, decapitated by the son of a bitch we were after, clearly his signature.

And a year later, as I was yelling at JJ, I still haven’t woken up from the nightmare.

“Oh.” She furrowed her brows.

“Really, JJ? ‚ _Oh_ ‘? That’s all you have to say?”

“What do you want me to say?” she yelled back now, throwing her arms in the air.

“You know what? Don’t say anything. It’s what all of you did best this whole time, anyway,” I spat and turned around to leave, only to bump into Emily. “Great,” I muttered sarcastically.

“Why is a detective calling me and telling me you’re yelling around here? There are people inside there who lost their lives, for crying out loud!”

“Go take a look at the people inside there then. If you would excuse me now, I’m done here. I’m done with all of you,” I said and kept my face nonchalant. They didn’t feel my pain, and they don’t seem to be all that affected by anything revolving around Derek’s death.

Sure, quitting then and there was probably a bad idea, but there was only so much I could take. I needed to breathe. To pull myself out of the spiraling of thoughts. Out of the sleepless nights and panic attacks after a bad dream.

Emily gave JJ a questioning look and as I distanced myself, taking big steps to finally get away from the things inside the house, I heard her explaining it. But I was already on my way and I didn’t plan to look back.

I was about to get in my car when the rest of the team arrived, only adding to my anger.

“Spence!” Jennifer called after me.

“Hey, hey. Slow down, Reid. What’s going on here?” Matt asked, pressing his hands on my chest to keep me from walking away.

Are they really acting like they don’t know the signature of our Unsub? I was close to punching someone in the face, even though I knew I wasn’t the kind of person to do something like that and get away with it.

“Please, for your own sake, get out of my way,” I said through gritted teeth. I didn’t know how long I could keep calm anymore. I felt like I was about to have a breakdown right in front of everyone. I just wanted to sleep and forget for a few hours. Sleep was the only place I felt somewhat at peace. When I didn’t have a nightmare, that is.

All this anger and suffering and fucking suffocating was about to burst out if they didn’t let me go my own way.

“Told you so, guys,” Rossi said like it was nothing but a great observation he made. Well, thank you, Captain Obvious.

“Spence, we know this is hard, but calm down.”

I spun around, glaring at Jennifer.

“Really, do you now? Because the past year, all these days, weeks and months we spent together, you didn’t mention him _once_. You guys just moved on with your lives, acting like Derek didn’t even exist in the first place!”

Tears were burning in my eyes now. I was done with their way to deal with the things. I wasn’t like them. I couldn’t just move on and try to live my life as best I can. My eidetic memory made it impossible for me to forget anything. All the conversations with Derek, everything we’ve been through as team members and friends. All the moments we shared. Like playing baseball. It was one of my favorite memories, always making me smile just to burst out into tears shortly after.

And Derek didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve people he considered his closest friends to act like he was no one.

“That’s not true,” she answered dryly.

“That why you send me into a house with two people who got their heads chopped off? Especially today? Like you didn’t even know what day it is! I was on my own all this time, suffering in silence and bottled up all these feelings because you guys made me feel like I’m alone with this. When was the last time one of you used his name and talked about him?” I was shaking, not able to control the mixed emotions welling up. Sadness, desperation, anger, disappointment.

They were silent, no one saying a word.

“At loss for words? Figured.” And with that, I really left the place and made my way to my hotel room a few miles and a ten minute drive away.

Loud sobs were escaping my mouth as I realised that the small room in the car with walls that felt like they are slowly closing in on myself did not help me at all. But what did help at this point, anyway?

After everything I‘ve been through, all the pain and the grief of family members I witnessed, I finally understood. I finally understood that the sentence „I’m sorry for your loss“ and a sympathetic look didn’t change anything at all. Because no, you can’t be sorry for a loss you haven’t once been through yourself.

The feeling of constantly being on edge, my teammates walking on eggshells around me, always trying to choose their words wisely. They never realised that that was exactly what made me feel like I‘m one of those cracking eggshells they step on.

I thought it was the worst feeling ever when I lost the woman I loved, but losing Derek- Well, _that_ was the worst feeling.

He was my brother, the person I looked up to since day one. Being impressed by the confidence he had, the charming smile that played around his lips when he talked to me, the warm hugs he gavewhen the ceiling above me seemed to come crushing down on my head. And now, it happened. The ceiling has managed to fall without a warm hug from Derek to push it back up in its place.

I knew the day I started to feel better would come, eventually. I wanted to stay strong until that day would bang on the door, asking for permission to step into my life. 

It was just so hard. So fucking hard that I completely lost faith in it.

How could I think about better days when all that was left were friends that didn’t talk about it. Sure, I didn’t have any right to judge them for the way they dealt with loss, but they never actually made the effort to respect the way I tried to deal with everything either.

The sun was showing its last few rays of sunshine and the darkness took over the sky, as I made my way through the busy traffic with sobs and tears that were getting completely out of control. Seeing through the tears was getting harder by the second, the lights of the traffic and other cars blurring into one big splash of color.

My life was a mess, my world was a mess. After the sadness comes anger and I can’t stop myself from hitting the steering wheel over and over and over again while my cheeks don’t even get a chance to dry.

All the emotions were exploding and spilling out of me as I added a tirade of curse words directed at the emptiness of the car.

Crying soon turned out to be something that isn’t a liberating feeling at all. A headache follows and I shut my eyes, trying to get rid of the pressure on my head that my now stuffy nose created.

The tears stop spilling out for a few seconds and my vision clears again as I noticed the red traffic light far too late. Instead, I noticed the bright headlights to the left way too clear and panic starts to make its way into my chest as I hear honking and honking and-

I knew it immediately. I was too smart to actually think that the driver of the truck could hit the brakes just in time. Everything happened way to fast and the next thing I feel is a sharp pain pressing into my back. I could manage to make out pieces of broken glass all over the place- all over me.

The air was knocked out of my lungs and with every attempt to take in a breath I only had yet another sharp pain shoot up my spine all the way into my lungs.

I wasn’t afraid. I couldn’t think straight, the genius inside of me didn’t know how exactly the chances of dying now was, but I was certain it was too low.

But in all honesty, with no one judging as I was hanging in a totally demolished vehicle, I welcomed the numbness that laid over me like a fog that blocked everything else out.

Everything else except for one particular thought because finally, I felt the weight being lifted from my shoulders and my lungs. The constant feeling of suffocating came to a very much relieving end. Because I knew, the second I took my last breath, that I was going to be with him. For the first time in a year I believed that I was going to see him again.

And suddenly, it didn’t hurt anymore.


End file.
